From Another Mother -“Porcupines Can Swim?”

INT.LIVING ROOM NIGHT COLD OPENING

JOHN and PETER are watching TV

TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
Next up on Bear Grylls grills. Bear
Grylls grills a grizzly bear while
being grilled by Jill Beers.
Promoting her new show Jill Beers
grills Bare where Jill Beers
interviews people in the bare
looking for the naked truth on
topics ranging from bear markets to
Yogi Bera. Only on the Traveling
CNN Food Network.

JOHN
I wish I had a cool name like Bear
or even Yogi. I hate my name.

PETER
What John? John’s a fine name. It’s
biblical.

JOHN
It means toilet. It’s shit.

PETER
Well what about my name?

JOHN
What Peter? Peter’s a fine name.
It’s biblical.

PETER
It means penis. It sucks.

JOHN
Mine was better.

PETER
I know.

JOHN
Yours didn’t even really make any
sense.

PETER
I know, but still. Penis is worse
than toilet.

JOHN
John also means purveyor of
prostitution.

PETER
True but Peter also means to
dwindle to nothing. I thought John
and Monica would go the distance
but their relationship just sorta
Petered out.

JOHN
Fuck you. Penis.

PETER
It’s weird. There are a few guy
names that mean penis. Dick.

JOHN
Peter.

PETER
Jimmy.

JOHN
Jimmy?

PETER
Yea like a condom is a Jimmy hat.
The condom is the hat and the penis
is the Jimmy.

JOHN
OK, I’ll buy it. Don.

PETER
Don? It’s not Don it’s dong.

JOHN
Dong? That’s how you pronounce your
dad’s name? What is that like a
reverse silent G? An invisible G?
Like there’s no G there but you
pronounce it anyway. Like the
opposite of the silent G in though,
where there’s a G there but you
don’t pronounce it.

PETER
My Dad’s name is DON. A penis is a
DONG.

JOHN
OHHH! I always thought Don meant
penis. Cause your name means penis.
So I thought like your dad wanted
to name you after himself but he
didn’t wanna do it in the
conventional way and just name you
Don Junior so he named you Peter
which would be like you’re penis
junior to his senior penis Don.

PETER
Your mind works in mysterious ways.
How do you make it in the real
world.

JOHN
I put my shirt on one sleeve at a
time just like any body else.

PETER
It’s pants.

JOHN
That’s ridiculous pants don’t have
sleeves.

PETER
The saying is, I put my pants on
one leg at a time.

JOHN
But that would take like twice as
long.

Peter sighs and walks away.

JOHN
What?

ROLL TITLE SEQUENCE

INT.LIVING ROOM NIGHT

John is at a house party with CHAD smoking a bong.Chad is
your typical bro type. He is wearing a baseball hat
backwards with sunglasses on, a polo with the collar popped
and plaid patterned shorts.

CHAD
Dude did you see the fight last
night it was epic!

Chad hands John the bong.

JOHN
I told you man I don’t like that
UFC shit.

John hits the bong.

CHAD
Nah dude it was awesome. Fuckin’
awesome. Aldo was blasting Silva in
the face, blap, blap, blap. Silva
was looking like a little bitch
then all of a sudden he fuckin’
like bear hugs him and sweeps the
leg. Before you know it Silva has
him in an arm bar and Aldo taps out
like little pussy. I’m telling you
dude it was sick.

JOHN
(While exhaling)
Sucks to be me I guess.

Chad looks around, there are babes everywhere.

CHAD
Dude lets get outta here this place
is a fuckin’ clambake.

Chad hits the bong.

JOHN
Fuck that. This is like a once and
a lifetime party. I feel like my
sneakers blew up and I’ve gone to
heaven. Besides, I never ask you to
leave when it’s a sausage fest.

CHAD
(Blowing out smoke)
Ha! What about last weeks kielbasa
carnival. Or the infamous pepperoni
party. Or last nights hot dog
hoedown and by the why I’m pretty
sure none of these girls are
virgins.

JOHN
Come to think of it, it was more of
a hootenanny and I don’t think I
heard sausage fest in any of those
examples.

CHAD
Yea, but still…

JOHN
Ok, fine, I’ll admit I ask you to
leave when a party is particularly
testosterone fueled but we never
do. And you always seem to find
that guy who has had enough to
drink that he’s feeling a tad
experimental with his sexuality.

CHAD
Yea I do.

JOHN
Yea you do.

John hits the bong

JOHN
Do you really want to deprive one
of these tens to see what it would
be like to get with a six like me.
Maybe she’ll realize we try harder,
are more attentive to their needs,
are generous lovers. In so many
words, give me a chance to eat the
O outta one of these girls pussies,
maybe toss her salad a bit, I dunno
we’ll see how things go.

CHAD
Dude you’re disgusting.

JOHN
Eye of the beholder my friend. Eye
of the beholder.

John’s phone rings and he answers it.

JOHN
Dude! where the hell are you, this
party is insane.

INT. OFFICE SAME

PETER
I got held up at work. I’m almost
done though.

INTERCUT TELEPHONE COVERSATION

JOHN
Fuck that dude get your ass down
here. Besides it’s just an
internship, they don’t even pay
you.

Chad hands John the bong. John puts his phone down to hit
it.

PETER
How many times do I have to tell
you it’s a paid internship.

John hands Chad the bong and gets back on the phone.

PETER
Besides I’m almost done. I just
gotta head home and change.

JOHN
Change? What for?

PETER
I dunno I’m wearing a suit. It’ll
be weird.

JOHN
Nah dude, the chicks will dig it.
Besides you’ll have to double back,
it’s a waste of gas. Think of the
environment.

PETER
Alright fine. I’ll be there in
twenty.

JOHN
Veronica’s here.

PETER
I’ll be there in ten. Peace.

JOHN
Lates!

John gets up and approaches a group of girls.

JOHN
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a
group of more beautiful women. Hi
I’m John.

The girls roll their eyes and walk away.

JOHN
They’ll come around.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

INT. LIVING ROOM NIGHT

John is surrounded by beautiful women all smoking the bong
and laughing. Peter approaches them.

JOHN
And he goes, I didn’t know
porcupines could swim!

All the girls laugh hysterically

JOHN
Peter! You made it. Ladies, Peter.
Peter, ladies.

LADIES
(In unison)
Hi Peter!

PETER
Hi Ladies.

John hands Peter the bong and looks him up and down.

JOHN
So who died?

The ladies laugh. Peter looks defeated.

JOHN
I’m kidding you look great. Now hit
this and lets get this party really
started.

John hands Peter a lighter. Peter hits the bong.

JOHN
So? What’s it like?

PETER
What?

JOHN
Smoking pot with a tie on. I didn’t
even know it was possible.

PETER
Oh fuck you, I’m outta here.

JOHN
I kid, I kid. Besides, why would
you leave when Veronica is checking
you out.

PETER
Seriously?

JOHN
Somehow yes, seriously.

VERONICA approaches Peter.

VERONICA
Hey Peter.

PETER
Hey Veronica.

VERONICA
Look at you all dressed up. what
are you some sorta fancy pants
business man now.

PETER
Uh…

Peter appears to be at a loss but John mimes for him to go
with it.

PETER
(Conifidently)
Yea actually.I work for Mitchell
John-son and Chad (pause) wick. We
are like one of the biggest
marketing firms in the country.

VERONICA
That’s so cool. Do you guys work
with celebrities and stuff.

PETER
Celebrities? Oh yea, of course.
Tons, tons of celebrities.

VERONICA
Really? like who?

PETER
Oh well there are the sports stars
like Beckham and Lebron. Movie
stars like Uhh, Peter Dinklage.

VERONICA
Who.

PETER
Oh, he’s the midge… uh little
person, man. Little man? from Game
of Thrones.

VERONICA
I don’t watch that show.

PETER
Yea, me neither. Oh! He was the
author guy in Elf.

VERONICA
Oh, right. I love that movie!

PETER
Me too! We work with pop stars too,
I just got out of a meeting with
Rihanna.

VERONICA
That’s right she’s in town for that
concert.

PETER
Exactly!

VERONICA
Oh my God could you get us tickets!

PETER
Tickets…? Right tickets of course
I can get tickets. I’m just so used
to calling them passes.

VERONICA
You can get us backstage passes!

PETER
Yea, no problem.

VERONICA
I’m so excited!

Veronica sequels and gives Peter a big kiss.

PETER
Me too!

Peter looks worried.

VERONICA
Oh my God I gotta go tell my
friends. I’ll catch up with you
later?

PETER
I’ll be here!

Veronica sequels again and takes off. Peter approaches John.

JOHN
How’d it go.

PETER
Great, I just have to get my hands
on some backstage passes to the
Rihanna concert.

JOHN
I got you cuz.

PETER
You can get tickets?!?

JOHN
Yea, I got a guy.

PETER
You got a guy?

JOHN
Yea, I got lots of guys.

PETER
I know, I’ve met your guys. You can
understand my concern.

JOHN
Lets just say Rihanna and I share
the same coke dealer.

PETER
Rihanna and you share the same coke
dealer?

JOHN
How’d you know!

PETER
You just said it. How stoned are
you.

JOHN
I’m as stoned as a bird… and
another bird. Hit this?

Peter acquiesces.

ZOOM IN ON BONG BUBBLES CUT TO WATER COOLER BUBBLES

INT. OFFICE DAY

Peter is at the water cooler with his coworker DAVE.

PETER
I’m telling you man lesbians make
the best badminton players. Think
about it, shuttlecock comes over
the net and they’re like, get that
cock away from me! And they whack
it over to the other side.

DAVE
So does that make gay guys the
worst badminton players?

PETER
Well, it stands to reason.

DAVE
But you just said they whack the
cock. Don’t gay guys love to whack
cock?

PETER
Damn it. You’re right again. Man, I
thought I was a good debater but
you, you’re a master debater.

PETER’S BOSS
(off screen)
Peter!

PETER
Good talk.

INT. BOSSES OFFICE DAY

Peter is standing outside his bosses office door.

PETER
Hey boss you rang?

BOSS
Yes, Peter, come in. Come in.

Peter enters the office.

BOSS
I’ve got a project I think you can
really sink your teeth into and if
you do a good job it could mean big
things for you. Are you interested?

PETER
Well, yea. Of course, anything.

BOSS
Great, we’re looking for marketing
strategy ideas for a new product
we’d like to gear towards the urban
youth and hell, you’re about as
urban youth as it gets in this
office.

PETER
Actually sir I grew up in a pretty
rural area.

BOSS
You’re joking right.

PETER
Joking? Yea, I was joking, of
course I was joking. Rural, c’mon
really?

BOSS
Ha! classic Pete. Rural area,
hilarious. Well, do you think
you’re up to it.

PETER
Of course, with my urban
sensibilities I’ll knock this outta
the park.

PETER’S BOSS
Just what I thought. Have this on
my desk by the end of the day.

Peter exits the office with a look of fear.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

INT. OFFICE DAY

Peter is staring at a page full of doodles looking
overwhelmed. His phone RINGS. He answers.

PETER
Yo.

EXT. BACKYARD DAY

John is preparing a bbq.

JOHN
Sup homey

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

PETER
Struggling dude. My boss finally
gave me a project. I’m supposed to
gear this product towards urban
youth? I’m from the sticks what do
I know about the urban mentality?

JOHN
Are you joking?

PETER
Why does everyone think I’m joking?

JOHN
Urban means black in you peoples
language.

PETER
You people?

JOHN
Yea you marketing fucks who
marginalize us people, pray on our
hopes and dreams and use sex to
sell us shit we don’t need.

PETER
Alright enough already. How do you
know urban means black anyway?

JOHN
How do you not know? You know, I’m
a lot smarter than you think I am.

John pours some gas onto the grill shrugs his shoulders then
pours a ton of gas on the grill.

PETER
Well even if urban means black I
still can’t think of shit. This is
stressing me out man I can’t think!

JOHN
Calm down calm down. What’s the
product?

PETER
I dunno dude. It’s some kinda toy
but it doesn’t do shit. It’s like a
pet rock with out the ironic
novelty.

JOHN
Damn, too bad it’s not grape soda,
that woulda been a cinch.

PETER
Fuck you.

JOHN
What? That shit’s delicious, it
sells itself.

PETER
Damn you’re right, I wish it was
grape soda or even orange soda.

JOHN
I love orange soda.You know, you
should go to the mall, clear your
head, get some inspiration.

PETER
That’s not a bad idea.

JOHN
Hit up the one on the southside,
it’s more “urban”. And when you’re
done swing by the house I wanna
introduce you to Oleg?

PETER
Oleg?

JOHN
Yea he’s my guy who can get you
those tickets.

PETER
Your coke dealer?

JOHN
ixnay on the okeca over the onepha.
But yea.

PETER
Pig latin? NSA is gonna have real
trouble with that.

JOHN
Whatever dude. See you later?

PETER
Yea.

JOHN
Aight peace.

PETER
Lates.

John lights a match, throws it on the grill and is engulfed
in flame.

INT. MALL DAY

Peter is walking through the mall eating a pretzel. He
looks stressed and frustrated. He walks by a Brookstones
and sees a vibrating massage chair. He sits in it and turns
it on. He starts to get relaxed. Suddenly he has a
revelation and starts writing ideas furiously in his
notebook. He looks very pleased with himself.

INT. BOSSES OFFICE DAY

Peter strides into his bosses office and slams his notebook
on the desk.

PETER
End of the day? How about end of
lunch.

Peter’s boss looks over his work.

PETER’S BOSS
What the hell is this.

PETER
What?

PETER’S BOSS
I knew you people couldn’t swim but
I had no idea your handwriting was
so bad.

PETER
Actually I swam All American in
high school.

PETER’S BOSS
And yet I look at chicken scratch.
I mean seriously it looks like you
had a stroke while you were writing
this.

PETER
That or I have Parkinson’s disease.

PETER’S BOSS
Do you think this is a joke?

PETER
No sir.

PETER’S BOSS
Have this on my desk in a legible
manner by the end of the day or I’m
going to have to seriously
reconsider your employment here.

PETER
Loud and clear boss. Loud and
clear.

INT. LIVING ROOM DAY

John, Chad and Oleg, a thin unassuming black man with an
eastern europeanish accent, are unpacking boxes. Peter
enters.

PETER
What’s all this shit?

CHAD
John’s mom is turning his childhood
bedroom into a fuck room so she
made him take all stuff.

JOHN
Fuck you dude it’s not a fuck room
it’s a relaxation room.

CHAD
There are mattresses all over the
floor and pillows everywhere. If
that’s not a fuck room I don’t know
what is. The only thing missing is
a lube dispenser.

PETER
Aw dude that’s gross isn’t your mom
like 75?

JOHN
she’s 77 and it’s not gross because
it’s not true.

CHAD
Your mom is 77? If that’s true she
had you at 56. Is that even
possible?

JOHN
The women in my family have young
uterus’s. Uteri? Uterussy? Anyway
they can have kids late in life.
Actually I was the last egg. After
I was born my mom took a one way
ticket to menopause town. She
would always tell me she saved the
best for last.

PETER
I can’t imagine how the first egg
would have turned out.

JOHN
What’s that?

PETER
Uh nothing. Who’s this guy.

JOHN
Oh right. This is Oleg. Peter,
Oleg. Oleg, Peter.

OLEG
I hear you are wanting some
tickets.

PETER
Passes actually. Backstage passes
to the Rihanna show.

OLEG
Tickets…passes… yes, these I
have.

PETER
Sweet! How much?

Oleg hands Peter a walkie talkie

OLEG
You are code name Porcupine. I am
Siberian Tiger. I will call. You
will answer. You will do me
favor. I will give you tickets.

PETER
Passes.

OLEG
Yes passes.

PETER
Porcupine? Really? Can’t I be
something cool like you? Hey, how
about Panther?

OLEG
You want passes?

PETER
Fine I’ll be porcupine.

Something starts vibrating in one of the boxes. Peter
fishes it out and it appears to be a vibrator. He drops it
immediately.

PETER
AW DUDE! Is that what I think it
is?

JOHN
If you think it’s a vibrating pen
from the 90’s then it’s exactly
what you think it is.

John starts rummaging through the box and pulls out a
notebook.

JOHN
Check it. I used to try to get
celebrity autographs with that pen.

John flips through the pages. All the autographs look like
chicken scratch until we see Michael J Foxes which looks
almost like calligraphy. Peter has an Aha! moment.

PETER
Hey can I borrow this?

JOHN
Yea no problem.

PETER
Thank’s dude your a lifesaver! Look
I gotta go. Looking forward to your
call Oleg, or should I say Siberian
Tiger.

Oleg gives him a nod. Peter exits.

JOHN
Later porcupine!

Chad pulls a childish drawing out of the box.

CHAD
No wonder you didn’t become an
artist.

JOHN
Hey I was a Crayola master. Lemme
see that.

Chad hands John the drawing. They both look it over.

CHAD
Looks like a family portrait.
Except who’s that little blond kid?

JOHN
I don’t know.

CHAD
I thought you were the last egg?

JOHN
I was.

CHAD
So… What the fuck?

JOHN
What the fuck indeed Chad. What the
fuck indeed… Oleg you got any
shrooms?

OLEG
Shrooms, of course I am having
shrooms.

JOHN
How much for an eighth?

Oleg pulls a basketball card out of the binder he has been
looking through.

OLEG
I will trade.

JOHN
What?!? No way. That’s my rookie
Patrick Ewing card. That’s worth
at least an ounce.

OLEG
Ok.

Oleg and John make the trade.

OLEG
I will be going now.

JOHN
Ok bud. See ya ’round.

OLEG
Auf Wiedersehen.

Oleg exits. Chad looks confused.

CHAD
That dude know’s he’s black right?

JOHN
Yea but he thinks the accent is
intimidating.

CHAD
I can’t believe you traded your
rookie Ewing card. Isn’t he like
one of your favorite players.

JOHN
Of course he’s one of my favorite
players. Why wouldn’t the greatest
center of all time be one of my
favorite players but that wasn’t
his rookie card. He was with the
Supersonics on that card. Well
past his prime.

CHAD
Yea but that team doesn’t even
exist anymore so it’s still kinda
cool.

JOHN
Damn. Your right. But you know
what, it was worth it. We’re going
on a journey. A journey to the
depths of my mind to discover who
that little blond boy was. And you
will be my Poncho. Are you ready
Poncho!

CHAD
Poncho?

JOHN
Yea from Don Quixote. I’m Don
Quixote and your his side kick
Poncho.

Chad looks clueless.

JOHN
You know what forget it.

CHAD
No. No. I’m into it. Ready Donkey
Hoty!

John lets out a sigh.

CHAD
So did you get that pen at the
science store in the mall? Remember
that store?

JOHN
Ah yea I remember that store! But
no I think I found it in my mom’s
night stand.

CUT TO

INT. MALL DAY

Peter is sitting on the massage chair with the back of the
pen in his mouth. He has on a big grin and writes something
down. He is very pleased with himself.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

INT. LIVING ROOM DAY

John is laying on the couch while Chad sits next to him on a
chair with a notepad

JOHN
Ok, they are starting to kick in.
Remember you’re my guide but don’t
get in my way. This is a journey I
have to take. The only reason you
should interfere is if you think
I’m going to hurt myself. Got it?

CHAD
Yea I get it. I still don’t see
why I couldn’t shroom too.
Wouldn’t I be more helpful if we
were experiencing the same thing.

JOHN
No. I need you to be sharp. I can’t
have us both floating willy nilly
in the ether of our minds. You’re
my rock. I need you to keep me
grounded.

CHAD
Ok, fine.

JOHN
Alright, let’s do this.

John starts to stare at his drawing. His eyes appear to
grow heavy. It looks like he is going into a trance.

JOHN
I feel the hot sun. I hear
laughter. My body is wet. I’m at
the public pool!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PUBLIC POOL DAY

A young John is playing in the pool with a younger blond
boy, Sebastian. They are splashing each other.

SEBASTIAN
John stop splashing me!

JOHN
Make me!

Sebastian winds up for a big splash but accidentally slaps
John in the face.

JOHN
That’s it you’re dead!

John chases Sebastian out of the pool. They are running
along the deck of the pool. Sebastian trips and falls into
the deep end. He sinks immediately.

JOHN
Sebastian NO!

John dives in after Sebastian pulls him out of the water and
starts giving him CPR.

CUT TO

INT. LIVING ROOM DAY

John is making out with Chad. John opens his eyes and
realizes what he is doing. He backs away in disgust wiping
his mouth.

JOHN
Dude what the fuck!

CHAD
I dunno man you started calling me
Sebastian then you started making
out with me. I woulda stopped you
but this is your journey. Who am I
to get in the way, right?

JOHN
Yea your right. Sorry I freaked
out. It’s just one minute I’m
giving my little brother CPR and
the next I’m making out with you, I
dunno. Fuck these shrooms are
strong.

CHAD
What a minute, your brother?

JOHN
Yea, I had a vision. I was playing
in the pool with this little blond
boy, like in the picture, and it
wasn’t mentioned or anything but I
could feel deep down that he was my
brother. He fell in the pool and
drowned. I tried to save him but I
couldn’t.

CHAD
Shit dude. That’s heavy. Do you
think that’s why you never learned
how to swim?

JOHN
(Defensively)
I know how to swim! I just don’t
like to. That’s besides the
point. Do you realize I just
realized I had a little brother!
This is crazy. I must have
psychologically blocked him from my
memory. You know I heard tragedy
can do that.

CHAD
Yea totally. I heard that too.

JOHN
I can’t believe my parents kept
this from me for so long.

John looks distraught and is having troubling processing
everything.

CHAD
Yea dude. That’s pretty fucked
up… soooo…can I have some
shrooms now?

INT. OFFICE DAY

Peter knocks on his bosses open door. His boss is on the
phone. He waves Peter in.

PETER’S BOSS
You tell that son of a bitch he can
take that offer and shove it up his
dick holster! I don’t have time for
this shit! Get it done.

Peters boss hangs the phone up with a slam.

PETER’S BOSS
Ass hat! Peter m’boy come in.

PETER
I rewrote those strategy ideas for
you. You should have no problem
reading them now.

Peter puts a folder on his bosses desk.

PETER’S BOSS
I better be because you know what
Peter, I’ve had it up to here
today.

Peter’s boss puts his hand up to his eyes.

PETER’S BOSS
You don’t wanna be the guy who puts
me up to here.

He puts his hand over his head.

PETER
Of course not sir.

PETER’S BOSS
Ok then, let’s see what we’ve got
here.

Peter’s boss opens the folder and starts to look over the
papers. He becomes gleeful and his eyes begin to well up.

PETER’S BOSS
It, it’s beautiful. It’s as if the
letters are massaging my eyeballs.
Great work Peter, great work.

PETER
Well, thanks. Have anything else I
can do for you?

PETER’S BOSS
As a matter of fact I do Peter.
You brought me down to here…

He puts his hand below his chest.

PETER’S BOSS
and that deserves a reward. I’ve
been sitting on this project for a
while now until I could find the
right person for the job and you
know what Peter, your that guy.
You handle this and who knows, we
might have an associate position
open with your name on it.

PETER
That would be incredible!

PETER’S BOSS
Alright, that’s the spirit.

Peter’s boss tosses him a folder.

PETER’S BOSS
Have this on my desk by the end of
tomorrow.

PETER
You got it dude!

PETER’S BOSS
Is that Michelle from Full House?

PETER
Uh yes sir.

PETER’S BOSS
Hilarious! What a great show.

PETER
You know I keep trying to tell my
roommate that.

PETER’S BOSS
It’s just so wholesome, ya know.

PETER
Exactly! Ugh what a good show.

PETER’S BOSS
What a good show.

Peter and his Boss stare off into space reminiscing Full
House.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

INT.LIVING ROOM NIGHT

Peter enters the living room where John is moping.

PETER
Thanks for that pen dude. It worked
like a charm.

JOHN
(apathetically)
Great.

PETER
Are you all right?

JOHN
I’m fine, just mourning the loss of
my little brother.

PETER
Little brother? I thought you were
the last egg.

JOHN
So did I…so did I.

PETER
I’m just as confused as I am sorry
for you. Here take this.

Peter hands John an orange soda.

PETER
My boss gave it to me for doing a
good job today. I want you to have
it. Hell, he wouldn’t have even
given to me if it hadn’t been for
you and that pen.

JOHN
And if he wasn’t a racist.

PETER
Yea, and if he wasn’t a racist.
Good guy, terrible human

JOHN
Terrible human.

PETER
Look man I got to get to bed. I
have a super long day tomorrow.
Keep your chin up.

JOHN
Will do.

John sips the orange soda.

JOHN
Even you can’t lift my spirits. It
truly is a sad day.

INT. BEDROOM DAWN

Peter is asleep in his bed until Oleg calls him on the
walkie talkie

OLEG
Porcupine come in. Are you there
porcupine?

PETER
Copy Siberian Tiger. What can I do
for you?

OLEG
Get dressed and meet me outside.

PETER
Now? It’s like 4 o’clock in the
morning.

OLEG
You want tickets?

PETER
Passes!

OLEG
Yes passes. You want passes you
come out. Copy?

PETER
Copy.

Peter gets dressed and makes his way to the front door.
John is still awake in the living room.

PETER
You’re still up?

JOHN
Yup.

PETER
Shit dude. Look I gotta take care
of this thing with Oleg but I will
be right back.

JOHN
OK.

Peter exits the house. John is watching the snowy screen of
a channel that does not come in. Peter reenters.

JOHN
What happened?

PETER
That dicklicker was just testing
me. Wanted to make sure I would
answer the walkie.

JOHN
Yea he does that.

PETER
I’m starting to think this isn’t
worth it.

JOHN
C’mon dude. It’s for Veronica.
You’ve had a crush on her since
like first grade.

PETER
You’re right. So what’s up with you
and this brother thing.

JOHN
I had a vision my little brother
drowned. I tried to save him but I
couldn’t.

PETER
Cuz you can’t swim.

JOHN
I can swim God damn it! I just
don’t like to.

PETER
Why is it you’re just remembering
this now.

JOHN
I must’ve blocked it out of my
memory.

PETER
You’re parents never mentioned it?

JOHN
Nope, I guess they thought it would
be best for me if I forgot.

PETER
You should call your mom up get
this straightened out. Maybe it’s
a false memory or something.

JOHN
Yea I guess I should. It’s just
about 4 so she’s probably just
about getting up now. I’ll give
her a call. Thanks dude. You
going back to sleep?

PETER
Nah I’m gonna get ready for work I
got a ton of shit to do today and
that pen you lent me is gonna make
it all possible.

JOHN
Uhh, ok. I guess I’ll see ya later.

PETER
Later dude. And remember, no matter
what your mom says, things are
gonna be ok.

Peter exits. John pulls out his phone and calls his mother.

INT. “RELAXATION ROOM” DAWN

John’s mother Jane looks at her phone. She is surrounded by
an orgy of old people.

JANE
SHHH. Quiet down. It’s my son.

Jane answers the phone.

JANE
Hi Honey, how are you? Is
everything ok? It’s a little early
for you isn’t it?

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

JOHN
Ok I’m gonna make this quick. I
found a picture I drew when I was
younger and there was a little
blond boy in it. Then I had a
vision where he drowned at the
public pool. His name was
Sebastian and I could have sworn he
was my little brother.

JANE
Ahhh I remember Sebastian.

JOHN
You do?

JANE
Yea, he was your imaginary friend.
You always wanted a little brother
but we couldn’t give you one
because I saved the best for last.

JOHN
AW thanks mom.

JANE
You’re welcome honey. You would
pretend you had a little brother
Sebastian. It was so cute.

JOHN
And what about the pool?

JANE
Oh that was you. You almost
drowned in the pool. You stopped
breathing for like 2 minutes. It’s
a miracle you survived. That’s why
you never learned how to swim. You
were terrified of the water after
that.

JOHN
I know how to swim!

JANE
Sure you do honey.

Some people in the orgy start to moan.

JOHN
What’s that sound.

JANE
Oh it’s just some cats fighting.
Gotta go!

Jane quickly hangs up the phone. John looks at his phone
confused.

INT. MALL DAY

Peter has got himself situated on the massage chair as if it
is his actual desk. He takes a sip of coffee, breaks out
the vibrating pen and turns it on and the chair. He starts
to write when the pen starts to die. He tries shaking it
and smacking it but it eventually dies. He approaches an
employee of the store.

PETER
Excuse Me do you guys sell
batteries?

EMPLOYEE
I’m sorry we don’t. All of our
products come installed with
rechargeable batteries.

Peter exits the store looking for a place that might sell
batteries. He sees a store called “No Batteries Included”.
He continues to look around frantically. He see a store
called “Solar Solutions”. He keeps looking and finally sees
a store called “Batteries Batteries Batteries” but when he
looks at the entrance there is a sign that says “Out of
business”. He looks defeated until he realizes his walkie
talkie has the same batteries as the pen. He looks at both
the pen and the walkie talkie and is forced to make a
decision.

INT. LIVING ROOM AFTERNOON

John is on the couch looking over some pamphlets when Peter
enters and slumps onto the couch.

JOHN
Hey dude, what happened? Oleg told
me you didn’t answer the walkie
talkie when he needed you.

PETER
Yea, well, it was either my job or
the tickets.

JOHN
Passes.

PETER
Yea, whatever, passes. Anyway I
chose my job so no passes for me
and thus no Veronica.

JOHN
What do you mean no Veronica?

PETER
C’mon dude she only wanted me for
the passes. Without them I’m
nothing to her.

JOHN
That’s not true. She came up to
you before she thought you had
passes. Sure you never actually
had the passes to begin with but
she didn’t know that.

PETER
Ya know, that’s true. I could
probably convince her that some
intern screwed up, take her
someplace nice instead.

JOHN
Or you could tell her the truth.

PETER
Why would I do that. She thinks
I’m some kind of a big shot. I’ll
have no chance at all if I tell her
the truth. A girl like that
doesn’t date interns.

JOHN
You might be right but let’s face
it, for one you can’t afford to
keep pretending to be a big shot.
And B, you can’t handle the stress
of pretending to be a big shot
because, thirdly, you’re a nice guy
with a lot to bring to the table.
I wouldn’t be your best friend
otherwise. If she can’t see that
she doesn’t deserve you. So in
conclusion, I have concluded.

PETER
You know what, your right. I’m
gonna head over to her place right
now and tell her the truth.

JOHN
That a boy!

Peter stands, gearing up to leave.

PETER
What are all those pamphlets for?

JOHN
This literature is about the big
brother program. Turns out my
little brother who almost drowned
was my imaginary friend and I was
the one who almost drowned.

PETER
Because you can’t…

JOHN
Don’t you dare! Turns out I always
wanted a little brother and didn’t
even know it. So I’m gonna pick
one up from social services or
whatever this weekend.

PETER
(to himself)
May God have mercy on that little
boys soul.

JOHN
What’s that?

PETER
That’s a great idea. Alright I’m
outta here. Veronica you shall be
mine!

JOHN
(to himself)
May God have mercy on that boys
soul.

PETER
What’s that?

JOHN
Good luck!

John gives Peter a thumbs up as he exits.

EXT. HOUSE NIGHT

Peter knocks on Veronica’s door. She opens the door to
reveal herself. She is dressed to the nines. She looks
gorgeous.

PETER
Wow.

Veronica looks herself over.

VERONICA
I know right. So are you ready to
go?

PETER
About that… I have some bad
news. I couldn’t get the passes.

VERONICA
What? I thought she was a client of
yours. Did some intern screw
things up.

PETER
Uhhh, sorta. Look I’m gonna be
honest with you. I’m not some big
shot at a fancy marketing firm. I
do work for a marketing firm but we
don’t work with celebs and I’m just
an intern.

VERONICA
Oh.

PETER
I’m sorry I lied to you but when
you came up to me the other day I
panicked. I know you deserve
someone better than an intern but
you know what, I’m more than an
intern. I’m a really good guy and I
know I can make you really happy.
And sure, I may be just an intern
now but with enough time and
hard work I will be an associate,
hell maybe even a partner one day.
So what do you say, come get some
ice cream with me tonight and maybe
in a few years I’ll get you those
backstage passes and more.

VERONICA
No.

PETER
No?

VERONICA
Sorry, you’re cute and all but look
at me. I’m young, gorgeous, and
have little to no ambition. It’s
not that I deserve better than an
intern, I need better than an
intern now before this flame burns
out. I’m a really hot girl and I’m
really happy getting free meals and
backstage passes now. And sure, I
may only be getting with NFL
linemen now but with enough time
and maybe a little work.

Veronica pushes her breasts up.

VERONICA
(continued)
I can get with a skill player hell
maybe even a quarterback. So I’ve
gotta say no for tonight and maybe
in a few years if you can get those
backstage passes then give me a
call.

Peter has a big dopey smile on his face.

VERONICA
Why are you smiling?

PETER
You said I was cute.

VERONICA
Yea, but your still an intern.

Veronica slams the door in Peter’s face.

CUT TO CREDITS

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About Nick Panetta

Read my blog and perhaps you'll find out.
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